(Written earlier this year of 2020, with my family in mind, when I traveled for my Grandma’s funeral)
Grandma was an amazing person with an amazing life. I always wished I knew the TeoChew dialect better so that I could talk with her more and ask her questions about her family, what life was like for her, what she felt, and about her experiences. She lived through so much. Born in China in 1926, she didn’t get the education my generation has been able to receive, or actually any schooling at all. (Education had costs, and most girls where/when she lived didn’t get to go to school.) She lived through much political instability, hardships, and wars. She and Grandpa left China for a better life and settled in Cambodia, where they enjoyed peaceful living for a little while. She gave birth to twelve children, though four were not able to survive (likely due to illnesses that can be easily prevented/treated today.) Then in the 1970’s, the family lived through one of the darkest times in history in Cambodia. But Grandma and Grandpa tried to keep the family together and watch out for each other, and somehow after making it out alive after four years, they eventually made it to a refugee camp and were able to come to the United States. (Though the family could only come separately and the Kho family ended up in three different states.)Â
We have an amazing family. I was so glad to be with the family to remember and celebrate Grandma’s life together. I remember when I was a kid, and 2nd uncle, 2nd aunt, 3rd uncle, 3rd aunt, and their kids lived down the street. I found out Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of the extended family were going to move to Georgia and live on our street! That was so exciting. Soon after, 4th uncle and aunt joined us in our neighborhood too. I’m so thankful for the richness of our great big family growing up. Many of my friends didn’t have that experience. It was and continues to be so wonderful. I’m so thankful for Grandma and Grandpa’s sacrifice and leadership to grow our family and help shape us to be the tight knit group we are. It helped them to survive Cambodia, and helped us to survive and thrive here in the United States.Â
Grandma would sometimes take care of me, if my mom had to go out or had something to do. One reason I loved going to Grandma’s house was that Grandma would offer me chocolate chip cookies, which were not allowed in my house. I think those cookies may have belonged to Little Uncle or maybe someone else. I remember one particular day when I was hanging out with Grandma. We were sitting on the deck, and I was trying to figure out where we came from, why we exist. So I asked Grandma where she came from, and she said her mom. And so I responded and asked where her mom came from, and she said her mom’s mom. And so I asked where did her mom’s mom’s mom come from. Guess what she said? She came from her mom. Eventually I could see our discussion wasn’t going to get me the answer I wanted, and so I moved on. But the fact that Grandma patiently listened to me, a child, and responded instead of dismissing me, that meant a lot to me.
Grandma was also very protective of me. And because of that, I didn’t get to do a lot of things my older cousins got to do. But she slowly let go. I’m guessing she was the same with many of her kids and grandkids. She cherished us all.
I was a curious child and I had some interests that some people might consider odd. And someone pointed that out specifically to Grandma. I remember being a little nervous as I overheard that conversation. I don’t remember what she said in response exactly, but something about how these things are normal for a kid to do and it’s totally fine. I breathed a sigh of relief. Grandma didn’t make me feel like I was weird or odd or that anything was wrong with me. And so I felt more secure in exploring my interests. That’s something I’ve carried on with me into my adulthood.
When someone has lived through so much, you know they have a lot of strength and grit in them. Two years ago, she was in the hospital, and then in hospice care. We thought we’d lose her then, but somehow we got two more bonus years with her. I don’t know how she survived these last two years operating on just 2% function of her kidneys. I got to chat with her some while she was in hospice care. I understood that she felt the purpose of her life was to take care of us. She just wished to take care of the family. She couldn’t do it anymore because she was older and weaker; she had taken care of us as much as she could. She was at peace with it being her time to go soon.
I think Grandma gave the best hugs in the family. She’d grip me tight and I could really feel it. There is nothing like a grandmother’s hug. We had a bit of a language barrier, but some of the things we didn’t express in words were expressed in the gift of presence, in actions, in food, and in hugs. The last time we hugged was when I visited her at her house this past December. I think she was watching Judge Judy or MacGyver or something when I visited. I wish I could have held on a little longer or could turn that hug into something physical that I could carry with me. While I was there, Grandma gave me some advice- don’t get old. I’m not sure how I can do that. But I do hope I can live with the same strength, and with the same love and care she had for us all.
Thank you Grandma, for your sacrifice, leadership, chocolate chip cookies, for your attention, for your hugs, and for your love. We will try to take care of each other. We will all miss you so very much.